She's Sinking, Mate!

There's a song out right now called, "I Wanna Get Better."  It's by a band called Bleachers, and the chorus has been playing over and over in my mind all evening.  If you want to listen, click here!  It's catchy, right?  It won't get outta my head!  I think there might be a reason for that, though.
I, Nikki, want to get better.  

Ever since college, I have battled depression; and becoming a mommy has only made it more difficult.  Add sleeplessness, crazy hormones, learning to care for a new baby, and special needs to an already fragile mental frame, and you get an unhappy lady!  This one is sneaky, though.  I'm so focused on my child and my life that I don't notice it creeping in until I look in the mirror one day and see Medusa staring back at me.  Yikes!  Then, I have to hunker down, let the dishes and laundry pile up (and whatever else needs done), and focus on myself until I feel well enough to get off the couch and run myself ragged again...and again...and again...  Where does the cycle end?  

For anyone who has not ever experienced depression, imagine yourself in the middle of the ocean, during a storm, without a life jacket, clawing to stay above the surface to catch just one more life-saving breath.  And with each colossal wave that overcomes your body, your energy and resolve to keep your head above water dissipates to nothing.  It's torture.  To stay afloat simply becomes too much to bear and you find yourself thinking, "She's sinking, mate!"  

That cliche' phrase, "stay afloat".... People use it daily, but it has such a deeper meaning when you have experienced emotional drowning.  It's impossible to go through every single day being told that you are too fat, too thin.. awkward... stupid....WORTHLESS.  Where do these beliefs come from? Your own mind.  At least, that's what you tell yourself.  

The truth is that in such a vulnerable state anything, even if untrue, seems legitimate and Satan does a happy dance when he succeeds in making you believe such things.  It's not your brain or my brain betraying us.  It's Satan doing what he does best - DECEIVE.  "...Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies." - John 8:44.

Ahhh, it feels good to be reminded that I am not in fact crazy, fragile, or doomed to be sad for the rest of my life.  None of this burden falls on my shoulders.  I can't help it that I get down...anybody would with an enemy constantly feeding them sneaky lies that seem like truth!  Some of us struggle more than others, and that is ok.  Some even need medication to get them through, and that is ok, too.  Being depressed does not mean that we are weak.  In fact, deciding to get help shows just how strong we are, because it takes courage to admit that we prideful humans can't do it on our own.  The good news is that joy always triumphs! As is written in 1 Corinthians 10:13, the Lord provides "a way out" when things become too much to bear; thank goodness!  

If you feel this way, know that you are not alone.  Even just earlier this evening, I was afraid that I was slipping back into it.  Writing this post, however, has helped remind me that the Lord is good and there is so much TRUTH to battle any size lie that is thrown at me.  If nothing else, even if you don't believe it at the time, tell yourself (out loud) that you are loved.  No matter how alone you are on the earth, there is a Father sitting right next to you with His arms open wide, ready for you to reciprocate His embrace.

Getting to Know You

Let's start simply.  My name is Nikki.  I'm a (mostly) stay-at-home-mom to a beautiful little girl, piano teacher, and preschool aide at my church.  As a new mommy, I have gotten to experience the high peaks of joy and the low valleys of depression that such a wonderful life event can bring.  It's bizarre... Only after finding myself in this new role have I encountered both of these states of emotion all at once!  But seriously, with all those hormones making you feel crazy, combined with sleeplessness, it's hard not to feel sad sometimes; while at the very same moment you get to gaze into the steely blue eyes of the most precious thing you have ever seen, much less created yourself!  What delight that brings!

As I ponder the various scenarios that bring me joy and it's foe, I begin to realize that my little family and I don't truly belong to any culture or society, as far as Christianity, parenting, and food go.  We are Christians, but not what most people immediately think of when they hear that word.  We strive to live in a way that looks similar to Christ and advocate for TRUTH whenever possible.  This certainly does not mean we are perfect.  Only Jesus himself was the only perfect human.  We just try as hard as we can to be a reflection of HIM on this earth.  As parents, we also pave our own path away from mainstream society.  For example, our beautiful little girl is graced with designer genes.  She has Down Syndrome.  This provides us with many more challenges (but, also blessings) than your average mom or dad.  We also cloth diaper, parent in a way that does not put her in the center of our world, and make her food from scratch.  Similarly, with the way we feed ourselves, we don't follow the herd.  Inside our house there is not allowed processed food (for the most part). That means no soda, no tv dinners, nothing made with white flour or refined sugar, etc.  In addition, we strive to eat as organically as possible.   Sounds crazy to some, but it's just how we live!

So, because I don't truly belong anywhere, I named this blog "My Life in the Seam."  I am always on the edge of something, but frequently binding things together.  At 24, I'm still trying to figure out what defines me in all of this.  So far, I have faith, family, and food.  That's what this blog will focus on.  Maybe I'll even have a little "fun" while I'm at it.  Sorry...couldn't resist an opportunity for continued alliteration!